Dogs out for a walk

Today's rant is all about the different types we encounter throughout our daily lives that in some cases should be put down and wiped off the face of our planet for the better of humanity. I don't mean the rovers and lassies of the world i mean the lower IQ variety, their human owners. Now don't get me wrong most dog owners look after them well and walk them safely with respect towards others but these complete fucktards are surely the resulting offspring from a mother that married her brother, just slightly fucked up.

Now is this mutt happy to see you or about to sink its teeth into you leg?

Picture this, our family and friends are out at the park sat down all happily chomping on our picnic when along comes an old golden retriever sniffing the air, quickly homing in on our yummy food source, owner nowhere to be seen. After a quick sniff around the group this golden retriever lives up to his name by cocking his leg and giving our blanket a 'golden shower'. Fuming we jump up shouting just as the owner rounds the corner. This elderly lady ambles up to us big grin on her face "oh look, trust you to sniff out food, i don't think they've got anything for you?" she says eyebrows raised as if expecting us to dish old 'wet willy' up a nice plate of sandwich's. When one of us mentions "he actually pee'd on our blanket. To which she replied "oh hes just looking for food, he's a right greedy guts, come on you, they don't want to share their food with you off we go" And off they went like the whole situation was perfectly acceptable. Now it wasn't 'wet willy' to blame, he's a dog that will sniff out food and piss where ever he feels is a good spot but this ambling cheshire cat not for one moment thought to apologise firstly on arrival for her dog sniffing around our food but completely disregarding old 'wet willy' weeing all over the blanket? Fucking unbelievable i say, she's one of those that hears what she wants to hear, damned fucking ignorant.

Yeah you just keep yourself on the other side of the fucking fence. This fucker looks pissed right off like "poke ya fucking fingers through and their mine" 

Another example is your walking along deep in thought when bam! your greeted by the snarling, barking big arse beast from hell up on its hind legs lunging at you with a look like "iv'e just watched the film face off, what a good idea!". Your hearts pounding like the hulk on roid rage and those thoughts you had before have well and truly fucked off. But luckily we have ‘captain cocksure’ on the other end of hell mutt raining him in, cocky cocksure, smirk on his face and the stupidest remark "aaaay its alright mate, he don't bite just a bit boisterous" Dont fucking bite?. Fuck right off! iv'e just been a gnats cock away from the devils jaws to know this fucker bites plus the simple fact that cocky cocksure has without doubt raised hell mutt to act this way. I think you can all picture 'cocky cocksure', big lump, baggy joggers and hoody, swaggering about barely controlling hell mutt one handed as for some reason he requires his other hand to be down his pants clinging on to his 'junk'. What is it with these people? at home you can play with your cock all day, no problem but out on the street talking to people scratching ya balls and stroking a lazy lob on? perhaps as a kid instead of a comfort blanket they preferred to hold their cock and wank it but as fully grown adults you'd think they'd have that shit under control by now.

"Yeah fucking love you too lady, now put me back down on the fucking ground, ya tearing my bloody armpits!"

Lastly i have one more type of dog walker to rant about just as fucking annoying as the last two. These types have their precious furballs on a lead a hundred yards away yet still find it utterly impossible to control their little ankle biter even though the damn thing weighs less than their handbag. I'm sure you know these types too, their weaselly eyed fluff ball spots you from some distance and decides it wants to come say hello. Now you could tie this thing to a bonsai tree and it would be well and truly fucked, going nowhere but somehow by focused will power and sheer brute strength the mighty 'tiddles' manages to drag her owner all the way over to you just to jump and scrape her little piss stained paws all over you lower legs, how nice. The problem with these well meaning walkers is they do not contemplate that maybe, just maybe not every single person wants to pat and stroke your pissy pawed pipsqueak.

Retarded Selfies

What is this strange phenomenon that most people seem to be oblivious to? It seems that those who expose themselves to regular selfies are becoming more and more retarded. Main stream media are not reporting this but with a trained eye you can watch perfectly functioning individuals literally retard in front of your face. Are you one of the few that have witnessed these sudden facial deformations that would look similar to someone who, with no prior warning, received a rapid stiff finger right up their rectum.

Pre-selfie era

The victims most common deformations are tightening of the lips whilst protruding outwards making it impossible to form a smile and the extremely high raised eyebrows as if a lion has clawed their forehead and ripped backwards, its scary stuff people. It can be quite unsettling in social gatherings such as party's if you walk right into a group selfie as your initial response might be to quickly scan the area for a threat, has someone died? where you burgled? then it dawns on you just after your adrenaline fight or flight response kicked in that the dreaded selfie retardation has claimed yet more victims. 

Naturally good looking people with great smiles are sadly being affected my this global disease, and we can only hope that someone somewhere finds a cure for the selfie retardation as it appears to be claiming new victims at an alarming rate with a new mutation dubbed 'filters' adding to the chaos. Stay safe people and stay strong. With a concentrated power of will you can form a natural smile even as your loved ones fall into retardation. The natural smiles of the few may be the only remedy to help remind the victims of the time before the selfie disease.